Hey, you, seller of vanity pickup trucks: buckle the fuck up.
And you, vendor of god knows what kind of chemicals people are injecting in their faces, guts, and asses: watch your backs!
I see you there in the corner, too, importer of knockoff squishy toys which frequently explode in my kid’s school bag: prepare for the squeeze.
Football will be punted …
And attention to all boozebags: do we even have to say it? We’re coming for you with the force of Carrie Nation and the blind determination of Bob Whetstone. Drink ’em while you got ’em.
We have the petitions printed. Black ops signature collectors are on their way to Mass to lie to people and put all these issues up for referendums in the next election.
Just kidding. All of those things may annoy me, but I’m not about to bring my pet peeves to the ballot box. That’s the kind of thing a gutless hypocrite would do.
Even if some billionaires with similar dislikes said they would fund me to pursue such looney efforts, I would refuse. Because unlike the conservatives who bought this Question 8 insanity to commonwealth voters yet otherwise purport to care about freedom and privacy and small government when it comes to their own greedy priorities, I care about those things always.
No matter what happened in the Massachusetts election yesterday, cannabis should be legal. Contrary to the wacky claims of a futile campaign that robbed us all of precious time while inflicting millions of dollars in pain on a nascent industry of mostly small and medium-sized businesses like vampire grifters from the tone-deaf planet Killjoy, legal weed continues to be an overwhelming net positive.
My compliments end there. These goons who lied this question all the way onto the ballot, thwarting democracy in the process and laughing at the impotent officials and courts that refused to defend our initiative process and therefore Mass voters, are lucky there was no need to get meaner. An uglier campaign could have dragged skeletons and relatives of prohibitionists out of the closet, potentially revealing even more disturbing details about the means and motivation powering this violation. And you would have deserved every bit of it.
Finally, I have a message to the half-a-million- plus people who supported this attack: if you didn’t like the way my weed smells, then you must really hate having my ass in your face.
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