If One Brand Made A Joint That Never Canoed, Everybody Else Would Have To Follow 

In search of machine-rolled weed that burns evenly every time

They got metal on the space shuttle that can go around the moon and withstand temperatures up to 20,000 degrees. You mean to tell me you don’t think they can make an El Dorado where the fucking bumper don’t fall off? -Chris Rock

We really hate to come off sounding cranky.

But for fuck’s sake, we’ve had about enough of expensive prerolls that look like they belong in a museum but then canoe into the shape of an irregular Dutch clog after a few modest pulls.

It’s one of those canna consumer issues that somehow goes largely unspoken even though people say and think it seven-thousand times a week: why the hell can’t someone—anyone!—produce a preroll that roasts evenly from front to back like a rotisserie down to the roach?

Do yourself a favor, and don’t waste more than 30 seconds searching the dumb interwebs for “joints that don’t canoe” or anything like that. Not just because you’ll run into endless embarrassing dead-end opinions by Joe Obvious commenters offering gems such as light it to ensure that all sides are catching fire, or encouraging smokers to roll a proper joint—all stuff to file under, aww, gee, why ain’t I think of that myself? But also because this isn’t a problem concerning one-offs and the cones that we roll on our own—don’t worry, everybody knows that your cousin and your college roommate twist heirlooms that ash like Marlboros. Rather, the issue seems to be with machine-rolled products, cool as the tech may be.

This is hardly a protest against cool robots that stuff hundreds of tubes a minute. They’re needed and inevitable; we’ve interviewed inventors behind these magical machines before, and hope this rant leads to more conversations about where tomorrow’s rolling technology is headed. For starters, though, we’d like to know if anyone is working on canoe-proofing their goods.

Just imagine the millions of dollars that could be made if one brand guaranteed that their joints would burn evenly every time. Their promise: post a pic of one of their cones canoeing on social media, and get a refund. They’d corner one of the fastest-growing categories in Mass cannabis in no time.

We’re not just here to whine, though, and actually went looking for answers. Most of the paper, wrap, and cone sellers and manufacturers we met at NECANN were of little help, insisting that their brands and styles yield few canoes. But even one or two canoes is a canoe too many when it’s your cannabis capsizing.

We asked a few longtime industry buyers and wholesalers who know lots about prerolls if anyone has been especially inventive in this area. For example, why aren’t companies using clear papers, which are known to burn divinely? Like one industry professional posited, most companies are not putting the kind of cannabis they’d want people to see through clear wraps in their prerolls.

As for those who may be on the proper path, another product plug recommended Farnsworth Fine Cannabis Company in Great Barrington, which sells “cigarettes [that] are tobacco free, full flower cannabis prerolls wrapped in organic hemp paper with a luxury length filter for a smoother smoke.” The innovation tracks, as the company’s namesake Philo Taylor Farnsworth was an “American inventor, television pioneer and great uncle to Farnsworth Fine Cannabis founders, Alexander and Brayden Farnsworth.”

It almost seems too easy—cigarettes, of course! They don’t canoe! Maybe Farnsworth and a handful of others out there are en route to solving this problem for all prerolls everywhere.

Until that day cones, we’ll stick to blunts.